Or in the words of Dr. Alexis Pauline Gumbs’s ancestor : you will feel.
This morning’s meditation was on listening and I had to admit - kind of defeated that I haven’t been listening to myself.
The two men who loved my body the most , who made me feel the least shame in it. both of them couldn’t hold their own emotions in their heads. Combined with my feelings and finally - forty some years later- my unwillingness to hold them in- it was too much.
I was not too much.
I am not too much.
But this - this being ok with lies of omission and BPMs in cocaine dusted warehouses being given more weight than the beats of my own heart.
I deserve so much more.
There is a mourning that has to happen. Hell even my family thought that this was the one to marry the unmarryable. and for a brief moment - I who have never really wanted to get married thought oh wouldn’t it be cute if…
I didn’t listen to myself so I picked someone else who only wants to listen to themselves and now again I’m starting over - breaking silences created in the hush of caregiving /enabling addictions.
I cannot wait to meet myself again, and I can just barely see myself around the corner. Oh to show up for myself the way I show up everyday at work/home for others. Imagine what would happen.
Let’s Try