No I’m not in recovery but someone I love is and over the last few days I came to the realization that I can just say no to bullshit.
Ok well I didn’t just come to the realization, I literally have been having vivid dreams in where my abusive ex keeps showing up or I am in a room with him and there is a part of me in the dream that is like why is he still here? At some point in the dream I do just leave - walk out of the room.
Not to get all woo wooey on you all - but I’m gonna get woo wooey , my ancestors/spirits etc have always sent me messages in my dreams - of things that will happen, warnings, reminders, notes that they are ok. But lately it’s like they have been bashing my subconscious with just how toxic I was letting things become in my personal life and how I was betraying my own self worth.
So in therapy on Wednesday I said I couldn’t be in a relationship where I was not being taken into account. And I cried about it and I felt guilty about it but the universe , ancestors whatever you believe in, even if its fucking confirmation bias has kept showing me that I made the right decision and that it’s time for once I center my needs and not just give give give because it’s killing me.
I have been so sick over the last three weeks and yes it was the flu and a sinus infection (and not covid) but I was so sick that I really thought someone had done a trabajo on me.
And even work over the last few days where people have been in meetings with me and have lied to my face (non-profit gaslighting is real), I’m like I do not need to engage with this shit. And I have to start doing that in my home life.
It sucks because I thought I was over this shit, over these patterns. Because I have been here before - giving people a chance because of their trauma , because of empathy, because of believing people can change.
But I still have more changing to do.
We're seemingly never quite "done" with anything, but awareness of it and connection to yourself/your ancestors makes it progressively easier. I admire how you take those signals with the seriousness they merit