Offering
What Didn't Work : Day 7 Wide Futures
From Solstice to the end of the 2025 calendar year, I am doing the Wide Futures : A Nine Day Clearing in Honor of Audre Lorde practice. I chose the clearing as I move towards my upcoming sabbatical and prepare my body, mind and heart.
This is probably the closest I will come to an end of year look back because really my instinct is to throw all of 2025 into the trash. But there are lessons from what we want to/should leave behind. There has to be an acknowledgement that , “well that was a huge fucking waste of time and energy,” and “let me not ever fucking do that again.”
1: Rushing to respond
I’m not saying ignore appointments and be late for all your meetings (because anyone who knows me knows hoe much I hate being late and am annoyed by others being late). Maybe what I really mean is letting go of the notion that everything is urgent.
From wildfires to raids, there were many things that did require moving fast. Rapid response never felt rapid enough but then you get used to acting at that pace, even when there isn’t a flame at your back or a gun in your face. This year wrecked my nervous system (and I’m sure the systems of many).
My dear sister/werk wife has pulled me out of the aftermath to tell me to breath, to get some water/food in my system and to remind me/us that we are protected.
There is time to take a breath, because we need that to live. There is time to drink water/eat food because we need that to live. There is time to take one step back and name the interdependence we have created, because we need that to live.
2: Responding at All
In moments of crisis, some people and orgs run by people really step up and model solidarity. I am so grateful that I have been able to witness and experience that, from clothing drives to benefits to donations to people literally putting their bodies on the line for others.
In moments of crisis, some other people and orgs take up way too much space, miss the fucking mark on purpose because of ego and honestly self-interest and I gave those comemierdas way too much of my energy. And here’s the worst part of it - they are the same motherfuckers as always: the same directors and orgs who purposely do shit behind your back and when they get caught give fake apologies. Like literally and actually its the same individuals and orgs that have been doing this for like 20 years. And at first, because I wasn’t an Executive Director in the NPIC, I could be dismissed as just a hater blogger/journalist. But now? Now they just want to call me crazy and emotional and say I don’t understand.
But here’s the thing, I have been an Executive Director for almost 11 damn years now! I have been an organizer/activist for over 30 years. So why the fuck am I shedding tears at not being invited to hearings and events and getting so angry when people claim work that they aren’t actually doing as there own?
Nah - I’m leaving wasting my energy on those people/orgs behind.
3: Imposter Syndrome
My parents, ancestors bless them, told me I could do anything as long as that meant being the best (lol). Their own humble immigrant dreams somewhat realized, they really felt the sky was the limit for me and anything less - well what the hell was wrong with me.
Turns out nothing and well damnit I have done a lot of pretty incredible things in my life and I should own the fuck out of that. And guess what, I’m gonna keep doing some pretty damned incredible things- haters be damned.
4: Trying to Do It All
My mom, ancestors bless her, told me I could do anything as long as that meant being the best and asking for no help. Well she didn’t say that outright, but she said things like” if someone offers you help say no because they should have just done the thing, not asked.” Apparently she learned this lesson from her mother. But alas of all the things I cannot do, one of them is read minds and (most) people can’t read my mind. So I need to ask for help especially so I can do the basic life shit like eat, drink water and um shit. Anyway not asking for help is a sign I don’t trust others to be there (hello childhood trauma my old friend) but the fact is that there are people who do want to help and will help but I have to fucking ask and trust and let go.
My next post will probably be what I am doing in 2026
can't wait to read it! :)